Up there, Down here

farewell

2004-04-19T13:28:52Z

im considering totally forgetting about my lj, as if i haven't hehe ... this has mirrored me as an official nutcase, one day im happy next day im not, and wut for... hell, for uhmm... i don't know, reminding myself how stupid/silly/crazy/petty/drugged etc etc i was the past days... from this day forward, im moving my not so accountable premature emotions to myself... people read my lj well enough, but not so enough to know me, this is going no where hehehe not that it's my point why i got this lj account, thanks jaja for everything...

bye friends

last post:
just bought a bunch of silly duel games from northmall, including celebrity deathmatch... hahha let the wrath begin and flow through my fingers! bleed on me!

held by your words

2004-03-05T12:31:01Z

i dont really know what is it i want to hear from you... to shut me up and rid of my doubts... to stop me from being insecure ... i dont know what is it i want to hear from you, to make me feel loved, the way i want to be loved... i dont know what sort of assurance i am waiting from you... i know and learned from this life that no one is ever sure of anything... once there was someone else, who came by like short dream, he told me words, and i heard what he said... i knew he wasn't sincere, i knew he never really did mean those words... but i liked what he said... and felt that those words were enough to accept pain that is in store for acknowledging what i heard...
now ... i am with you now... i am waiting for your own words, i need to hear from you... i do not really know what is it that i want to hear, but when you say it, i will know that those are the very words i want to hear... so please, speak to me, and say what i need to hear... say something so that i will believe, say more so that i will stay, say something i can hold on to... because i want to believe in you, i want you be yours, i want to be held by your words and kept like a prisoner of your spells... say something so that i will stay

no more tears!

2003-12-27T23:27:56Z

por the pers taym op my layp, deins ako umiyak nung pasko!, masaya ako! weirddd! i used to have what i call this "birthday/holiday-syndrome"... lagi me nadedepress pag may holiday, heheh taena nyan emo nga naman oo, pero ayun, weird lang dis xmas deins ako naiyak watsoever! ayos! cguro kasi sabay ang xmas at ang aming monthsarry ni bukopies ko, 25! mahiwaga ka! hehehe pag ibig nga naman, nasosobrahan na yata ako ... there are times when i feel i should stop making him my world, wala lang, di ba lahat kasi ng sobra hindi maganda? hmm ?? ?? ?? ??

happee beeeeeerday bookopieee!

2003-12-21T11:26:26Z

beerday ng bookopie koooooo! i'm just so happy kasi naabutan na nya age ko! hehe 24 ka na ren mylab! pero mapagkakamalan pa ren tayong kids LOLZ, lam kong nagpapainom ka ngayon, dont wori, "sasadyain" kita sa hauz bukas, we're gonna rak da hauz! hahahah sana magustuhan mo gips ko, pasensya na at mahirap lang ang sugah momma mo, who's yer momma!!!! louder i cant hear yah! hehehe :P

spare me peace of mind

2003-12-19T06:19:18Z

please remind me everyday that you love me...
so much has gone wrong, and i can not say
that whatever heartaches i've had in the past
wont ever impend fears i know may again occur tomorrow
it is not that i dont trust you
it is not that i am not happy with you
it is just that i am too frail
it is just that i am too scared
...weakened
and grown more afraid each day
it saddens me at times when you dont believe a word i say
how can you say you love me?
when you dont trust me
i am not one of them, i am not a fool
to waste this chance and mess things up
now that i've found you
now that i know that the person i am loving now
is someone more than what he seems to be at first
but please remind me everyday, that you love me
i promise
i will never fail
to show you how much you mean to me
the truth is i have already...
but you weren't able to see it...
it is just because you wont believe
and till you do that is when i will only stop worrying...
that is when you need to stop reminding me
that is when i will stop crying
that is when i will start sleeping
that is when i find peace in loving
because that is when
i start believing

:(

wala lang... heheh

2003-11-26T10:37:20Z

taena tatakbo daw si FPJ sure na... wala lang...

pucha may idea ako, sana sakupin na tayo ng america, sabi ng boypren ko oo nga daw sana nga para maging blondie na tayong lahat, sabi naman dati ni pakyugus onga daw para magka-snow sa pinas hahahaha

waaah! ngayon ko lang na-add si josie sa lj, buti nalang naisipan kong buhayin muli ang aking lj, walang magawa eh! hehehe

ang init init naman, naalala ko tuloy si jowibols, kasi kausap ko yon parati eh, sabi ko sa kanya taena pag yumaman ako bibili ako ng SAMPUNG electric fan para lumamig, tapos biglang tumawa ng malakas si ungaz, sabi saken, baket hindi nalang ISANG aircon? eh gusto ko ng windy eh!!!!!! hahahaahhaah besides, 10 is the magic namber

hanga ako sa boypren ko, kasi magaling umarte yon, pag nag aacting sakto yung boses tapos yung muka parang tunay talaga, yung mata ang expressive, pero naisip ko taena disadvantage ren yon saken, deins ko malaman kung nagsisinungaling siya hahah

si jajabols, sobrang miss ko na, narealize ko magbbday na sya, taena pero anlaki pala ng bata saken ni jajabols, pero feeling ko sobrang magkasundo kami, weheheh isip bata nga cguro ako, o matalino at malupet lang makirelate si jaja? hmmm

isang araw sa opis walang si bossing, si polin naidrowing ko ang muka, pucha lupet ng caricature taena di ko pa naiiscan,pero kamuka nga pramis haha iilang lines lang polin na polin eh, cheekbones, lips, buhok, mata, sakto, ganon kasi yon pag may definite features, madali idrowing. pero pag saksakan ng panget madali ren idrowing hahah may iba akong mga naalala pucha...lagi ko drowing mga muka non dati, hahah taena naalala ko si amiel at alvin ...

this is serious....

2003-11-25T15:12:34Z

3 months na kami!!!!! :D :D :D :D

i've never had a relationship as difficult at first, as complicated as ours, with friends (and enemies) as tormenting as his (and mine)... it was a LOT, going all through chaos curse... let's just say the honeymoon stage was in stasis, our first few months were corrupted with lies, doubts, regrets, suspicions, hate campaigns... the good thing is that it wasn't his fault or mine, but the whole situation and the ppl who made it hard for the two of us... and all we needed was trust, taking the risk, there is indeed beauty in doubt... right now im starting to feel it's REALLY all worth it, i love him more each day, i've never had a relationship as spontaneous, as exciting, with a bonding ever so transparent, without pretentions, so human, so raw, we are both so honest to ourselves... that simplified complications abt our unpredictable personalities, now we understand each other more :) ... all the shit, all the rage, all the sneering behind our backs, all that insanity we gained from pressure and expectations ... made us hold on (much more)to each other...whew! ain't it swell? :D are we cool or what baby? we can take anything from this day forward, i just knew it... they only made us popular hehehehhehe

ngayon at ako'y inlab....

2003-11-20T10:58:06Z

(salamat muli sa across five aprils, wala nang eemo pa hehehe)

para sa BOOkopie ko, deins ka nagbabasa ng livejournal, pero sana malaman mo na...

I'm lifted by your words.
They mean so much.
It's been so long since I've smiled.
You bring me new life.
Is this a dream?
If so I don't want to ever wake.
Let me sleep forever.
Embrace this moment, it's too good to last for long.
Although I wish it could.
Don't leave me now, it's too hard, to stand without you.

BITE THE BULLET
Across Five Aprils

forgive me, this is just too EMO to avoid... (great song from across5aprs)

2003-11-20T10:44:24Z

This is just too sad, I felt like this a few times but it almost seemed like it happened a thousand... it was just too exhausting cradling such sentiments inside, but it's ironic, i never get tired of loving... when ive always been aware, to love is to welcome pain... i still hope... that i may never have to feel this way again... ever...

A Year From Now

Incomplete and total adoration
my gift to you my heart was yours
ten weeks you shaped it in one night you murdered it
torn from my chest im layed at your feet
that first step you took was the worst
since then you've walked a thousand miles
in silence short of a mark i still have these memories
but we will never see what we could have been
remember when we talked about where we would be in a one year from now
remember when u held my hand like youd never let it go
remember cause thats all you can do
we'll never make another memory
we'll never make another memory
I wish i would have died in your arms the last time we were together
so i wouldnt have to wake with out you today
this time i thought things were real
you said they were... what happend?...
you were a priority was i an option
i let you see a side i dont share with anyone
Promises are just words unless they are fufilled
And here from the beginning all i had to offer was my heart
I'm sorry that wasnt enough
So we will go our own ways and
hopefully you will remember the things i told you
Hopefully you'll understand that everyhting i said was in Sincerity
A broken Heart is not what i wanted from this
but i guess i've learned from this
But aren't you supposed to learn from your mistakes
I dont consider this a mistake
I just wish the story didnt end this way
Cause im still in love with the person helped me write it
...
Remember when u held my hand ...Like you'd never let it go?

...

Remember when we talked about where wed be a year from now? ...

...

Many Thanks Face to Face (1991-2003)

2003-11-17T12:56:14Z

I'm just a bit sad, i know i shouldn't be, the one band that sang my life as if i am them, face to face has disbanded... but as Trever Keith said, "We said what we had to say" ... they've done so much more than coming up with one of the best punk rock albums... their songs were my inspiration, times when i am down and no human could possibly lift my sorry ass into better moods, i quit the hardcore mp3s and turn right back to face to face... it was a mission well done for a band... they've said enough, touched enough lives i should say, and will probably inspire more ppl... bands come and go but legends dont fade :)

starsss

2003-11-17T12:48:21Z

VIRGO
Here is your horoscope

Even if you don't have far to fall, there's still a chance that you're on shaky ground these days. Call the necessary evils by their real names. Anyone that walks on you today will find the shoe on the other foot tomorrow.

anyone who walks on me will find theirselves dead tomorrow... (well, that is what i actually want hehehe)

:)

2003-11-14T11:17:53Z

pupunta sya ngayon dito! ang BOOKOPIE kow! haaaay :)

ahahaha tekken rematch to!!!!!!!

totodo pa to!!!!!

2003-11-13T16:33:14Z

yes, i love him more each day... we've been through a lot, it was such a long agonizing process, but i think we're getting better each day... i hope we keep this up until "forever"... i dont want to harbor any false hopes, but honest, i see a light seeping through my cloudy skies... i think he really loves me... this is a good sign... :) and there's no holding back, no matter how hazy the road beyond is... no matter how unpredictable, no matter how unstable, how bitchy the people around us can be... we're going to make it... i can feel it, he loves me... and i love him more each day ... im taking all the risk, i BELIEVE it's all worth it ...

shooooo!

2003-11-12T13:54:26Z

hahaha, im sick of updating this lousy journal, but i should update, wala lang... may malagay lang... meron mga freestylin jologs praternity rappers sa tapat ng room ko (which is by the alley)... ang ingayyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!! WTF! baket dito pa sa tapat ng room koooooo? caloocan rulez talaga ... i dont know wut to call these kids outside my house (do i need to get them a species name?), they are so annoying... not because i dont dig wut they do, just dont fuckin' do it by my bedroom!!!, ang iingay taena!!!!! solusyon solusyon! anong ba tong ginagawa ko? hahah sapat na ba na sigawan ko sila ng "GAGOOOOOOOOOOO!" sabay pulpors ang volume sa winamp, all out war, pwede naaaaa heheheh...

it worked, after a few songs, nagsi-alis na ang mga kid-rappers... sana lang wag nyong sunugin ang bahay ko... hehehe i feel like bitchin' people today...

dear live journal

2003-10-25T13:25:29Z

i am inlove

i have a bf

my bf has weaknesses

he is only human

but i still love him

im not sure how much he can love me back

bad bad situation we are in

i just wish everyone who poses threat against us... dies

we are still together

i dont know the future

but i do love him

he says he loves me

i hope it goes a long way

im holding on

im ok

for now

25 ta Life

2003-09-25T09:38:42Z

ngayon ayy... 25! yah know i never ever gave a damn about the concept of "monthsarries", not until my bf cared to remind me, "25 ngayon, 1 month na tayo" :) it's those simple things that make me thank the heavens, salamat at isang buwan na pala akong normal, isang buwan na kong tao, dahil isang buwan na kong nagmamahal! yeahhh! ninjagrrl ikaw ba ito??? i could say it was a good decision to break the cycle, this stage of my life where in i wanted to kill every boy who tried to lure me to their promises of passion... buti nalang, di na ko ganon :) oo, yup, yes, mejo magulo ang aking simula, and i admit we're still going through a lot with people who intend to mess up our relationship just because they dont like me hehe... yeah is this magic or what, im totally fine and seemingly impenetrable by them... :) baby it's 25! if i can hold the future (i respect tomorrow) ... i will make this 25 ta life... hey, i dont want to change boyfriends anymore... :)

it's bothering me bec i didnt do anything wrong

2003-09-15T11:14:38Z

i dont know why u cant be happy for me, i dont know why ure treating me this way, there's no reason at all why we should speak harsh to each other... you hate me again huh? do u know i only hated u because there was no other way to make u understand? well i guess u dont up to now... go on hate me all ur life, ull never see clear, never deem truth...

/me balik sa bf na nagmamahal saken awwwww! at least i have the sweetest consolation for all these hehehe

back from the grave, and prettier haha

2003-09-09T15:16:05Z

someone just reminded me abt my lj, ok im back! :) with a new story, with a new groove, hehehe i guess i can paste this now with the full title, weh lam naman na di ba? :)
it's very seldom i write a poem about a person, if i do, it only shows how much the person affects my life. ive written stuff abt my jealousy, my frustrations, my hopes, even "unloving" someone, well life is a process indeed, and this one's about how i found someone :)

JASON
MMIII

hurled into deep, sad shattered lives
driven downcast, even light learned to collapse
while most stars hide, you are not a faint star
and though we dwell and thrive in darkness...
heaven knows who you are
heaven must've known
for into me you were lead and found your way
both trifled and thrown and grown afraid
but then sparks ignite, longing in the night
against the dark, we dare retaliate
and find that desolation, starts to fade

i know where im going

2003-07-19T17:45:15Z

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Extreme
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Extreme
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante's Inferno Test

i will destroy you

2003-07-16T18:10:26Z

trivia: Ninja - magaling magtago, magaling umiwas...

as much as i want to please everyone, i know that's impossible...i know i'm almost public property, i'm too friendly sometimes i get too close i forget where to draw the line so my friends won't feel anything more than fondness for me. no you suckers i'm not leading you on, this is me, i'm this accommodating, i'm this nice, i'm this funny, naturally, i am... and you can call me selfish for not letting you in, you can blame my frozen heart, but isn't freedom and solitude part of my rights? i've missed this part of my youth, being alone, and now that im enjoying it, please don't spoil my soul searching with the weapons you use, those weapons you call guilt... i'm not buying it, how can you expect me to learn loving out of pity? my world is darker than ever, and your shadows are blocking what's left of my faded light... your propaganda aint selling love, i feel a tinge of selfishness... how can i love someone who keeps reminding me how bad i am for not reciprocating their feelings? :/ as much as i want to understand you, i've done my part i believe... please do, understand me... i know eternal friendship won't be enough, but it's all i can give, i've got nothing left to give anyway... i'm a bad person, dont love me, (eventually)i will destroy you...

i need friends

2003-07-11T11:32:18Z

ninjagurl: i'm trying to get the loser of the year award, i think i'm gonna win

ninjagrrl: i dont think so, you're a loser, remember?

ninjagirl: think of it this way, pain is weakness leaving the body, more pain, more weakness leaves, you're gonna be a stronger person from all the pain.

ninjagrrl: do you want more weakness to leave your body huh ninjagirl? 0_o

ninjagurl: i'm going upstairs, lock myself in my room

ninjagirl: life goes on ninjagurl, if you're doing something, just go on, dont let anything keep you down.

ninjagurl: yeah i'll probably do the same shit, cry

ninjagrrl: betadine, mmmmmmm... tasty! hehe

-

ninjagurl: do i look fat?

ninjagirl: nope

ninjagrrl: yeah, you're huge

The Last of You

2003-06-29T17:50:59Z

wrote this in 10 mins, emotions did all the work, i only had to represent it with words...

TO UNLOVE
0629MMIII

My throat you choked with your twisted black hand
Shall no more yield to your tight grasp
You are losing power as an hourglass
Unbalanced like its shifting grains of sand
No more those eyes will leave me mesmerized
As your words mean less until it corrodes to nothingness
Never, No summon of yours shall I ever heed
My open soul, You can no longer steal
This is pain, Your desire, Your torture
It has set me free
From your merciless shadow
Long have I sought to flee
Suffering awoke my mediocrity
I found hope in your dwindling authority
At last, You have no power over me.

u dont listen, dont talk

2003-06-26T16:10:47Z

how i scream so well, reverberating, loud and never holding back like a child... people around me, hears me, well some offer their ears but will they ever understand? anyone can hear ... but nobody has ever listened so far. :/

sing this all away ...

2003-06-21T02:54:12Z

ninjagrrl's list (songs for the beaten soul)

1. Atreyu - Someone's Standing On My Chest
2. Evergreen Terrace - Dear Live Journal
3. Anah Aevia - Hubbles Law
4. It Dies Today - Forever Scorned
5. 7 Angels 7 Plagues - Arcadia Fades
6. Blood Has Been Shed - Miasmic
7. Poison The Well - Lost In Silence
8. Every Time I Die - Home Is Where You Hang Yourself
9. Amongst The Swarm - Buried In Dirt
10. Dead Blue Sky - Symptoms Of An Unwanted Emotion

break myself, slave to my weakness, choke on my words...

2003-06-21T01:38:05Z

it's official, im a bad person. i've been abandoned, left behind, played upon, used, betrayed, ignored, taken for granted, rejected, mislead, laughed at, labelled, judged, accused, misunderstood, forced, (sacrificed) ... i may really deserve all this, and this is what i get for being the "open soul" that i call myself. i'm taking all forms of hurting, in all colors and intensities, direct or indirect. obviously i'm not ok, but i can take anything (lyk there isn't i haven't taken before). i'm dwelling on too much of this, but it's normal for someone like me piled up with disorders. i am emotional in some sense that i feel too much of this, but also emotionless from feeling anything more different, anything other than the pain. i can feel every sting and yet i am also numb. i can not possibly accomodate new feelings, love in particular. i never did believe i am to hurt anyone, i've always been the beneficiary of other people's sick games. though lately i feel i may have hurt someone, though making others go through what i've been through is the last sick joke i'd ever have the interest doing, weird huh... now i'm becoming the people i very hate. why am i always caught up in things so unlikely and unkind both to myself and to other people? maybe i am a bad person after all.